


The Newlywed Challenge

by Lady_Slytherin



Category: Lovely Little Losers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, flat challenges, jaquie and Peter are brotp, you guys don't understand this is my fave trope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 13:18:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6117634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Slytherin/pseuds/Lady_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>Lovely Little Femslash Day Six: Fake Dating</strong><br/>Freddie decides at the last minute not to institute Rule Five, but needs a plausible reason to veto it. Enter Peter, who has a Great Idea, and Jaquie, who's really just in it for the twenty bucks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Newlywed Challenge

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always to @megwinter for betaing.

Jaquie was mixing a drink when Peter entered the bar with a girl. She waved at him, gave the drink to the customer, and went over to the end of the bar that Peter had sat at. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Peter said. He was wearing those stupid sunglasses of his. “You got a minute?”

“I get off in ten,” Jaquie replied. She glanced at the girl next to Peter, trying not to let her curiosity show. It wasn’t unusual for Peter to be here on a day he wasn’t working, but she was pretty sure that the girl was one of his flatmates, and that _was_ unusual. Jaquie recognized her from the flat’s Youtube channel, she was the one with the guy’s name. Ben? No, that couldn’t be it, Ben was the British one. 

Once Jaquie had finished her shift, she pulled up a stool beside Peter. “What’s going on?”

“Jaquie, this is my flatmate Fred.” Right, that was it, Fred. “Fred, this is Jaquie.”

“Nice to meet you, Jaquie,” Fred said, leaning around Peter and extending her hand for a firm and business-like handshake.

“Freddie and I have been talking,” Peter said, brushing non-existent lint off his pants, which Jaquie _knew_ he only did when he was nervous. “We have—well, it’s sort of an acting opportunity for you.”

“Oh, yeah?” Jaquie asked. She raised her eyebrows. This Freddie chick didn’t seem like the acting type, but then, most of Jaquie’s exposure to actors had been through Costa’s plays and there was a decent chance that Costa was an outlier. Anyway, Freddie could just as easily be directing or producing. “Does it pay anything?” she asked, figuring there was no harm in making sure they knew she was a Serious Actor who got paid for things, even though the only time she’d earned money doing theater was when she was twelve and her aunt had hired her to sing at her wedding. 

“I’ll give you twenty bucks if you agree to it,” Peter said quickly.

Jaquie narrowed her eyes. “What’s really going on?” she demanded.

“Peter, you’re doing it all wrong,” Freddie said. She scooted her stool a few feet away from the bar so that she could make eye contact with Jaquie without Peter getting in the way. “I need you to be my fake girlfriend for a few weeks,” she said, as though she were outlining a school project and not asking for such a bizarre favor “We have to kiss at least twice, either in front of Ben or somewhere we know he’s filming. One of the kisses can be on the cheek or nose, but the other has to be lips. And you have to show up to at least one flat dinner or alternate flat event so that we can engage in convincing PDA. Do you agree to those terms?”

Jaquie turned back to Peter. “This was your idea, wasn’t it?” she asked, to give herself a chance to think before she had to answer. She looked at Freddie out of the corner of her eyes. She wearing shorts with tights, which Jaquie approved of, and her beanie was quite cute. But pretend to _date_ her?

“Well, yeah,” Peter admitted. “But it _does_ technically involve acting, I wasn’t lying.”

“What does she need a fake girlfriend for?” 

Peter looked at Freddie. “Tell her, Freddie,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “How did you end up in this situation?”

Freddie looked down. “It’s these _stupid_ flat rules that Ben and I came up with. We’re supposed to implement them at tomorrow’s meeting and I need a reason to veto one of them.”

“And which rule would that be?” Peter prompted. His tone was a mix of amusement and annoyance. Jaquie leaned forward, sure that whatever was going on was something she absolutely wanted to know about.

“The no shenanigans rule,” Freddie said, voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. 

Jaquie laughed. “What the hell does _that_ mean?” Whatever it was, it was enough to make Freddie squirm in her seat as though uncomfortable.

“Ben and Freddie decided to make up a bunch of rules to ‘improve the flat’ and one of them is that we can’t date or hook up with anyone,” Peter said, rolling his eyes. 

“Why?” 

“Because Peter keeps bringing people home at all hours and we’re tired of it,” Freddie snapped, looking up defiantly. Jaquie hid her grin.

Peter ignored her. “But now Freddie’s decided that dictating everyone’s behaviors like that would make the flat worse, not better. Which, no offense Freddie, _anyone_ but Ben could have told you. Anyway she came running to me for help because she’s already told Ben she’ll back him up on that rule and she needs a convincing reason to back out, or else I’m going to be stuck following this _ridiculous_ rule for the rest of the term.”

“Your flat sure knows how to have a good time, doesn’t it?” Jaquie asked dryly. She looked over at Freddie, who was now playing with her hair and clearly trying to act as though she didn’t care.   
She was so—cute wasn’t the right word. Neither was terrifying, although Jaquie was sure she could have been if she wanted to. Interesting, that was it. Jaquie wanted to know about her. “All right, I’ll do it. But you’d better actually be giving me that twenty bucks, Peter. _And_ the twelve dollars you owe me for dinner last week. And you have to show up to Faustus auditions tomorrow morning.”

“I was already going to,” Peter said defensively. “I told you, I want to get involved in more things.”

“Thank you,” Freddie said to Jaquie. For a moment, Jaquie couldn’t look away.

She shook herself and turned back to Peter. “Okay, so here’s how this is going to work. You’re going to go back to your flat and tell Ben that you saw me and Freddie together at the bar. Then you’re going to go find my fucking money. Take it from your sock drawer if you have to.”

“Sock drawer?” Freddie asked, frowning.

“Yeah, he keeps like a hundred dollars in there,” Jaquie said. Weird, she’d have expected them to know each other better than that considering they were living together.

Freddie leaned over and punched Peter on the shoulder. It looked like it hurt. “You said you couldn’t afford to pitch in for groceries last week!”

“Fuck!” Peter said, rubbing his shoulder. “It’s emergency money, okay? Or for like when people have birthdays coming up and I want to make sure I have can get them a nice gift. Besides, I’m paying you back this week, I told you that.”

“Well, you’d better keep your word on that.” 

Jaquie decided that she liked this girl. “Peter, go home,” she said. “Freddie and I need to discuss the details of this.”

Peter stood. “I’ll see you at the flat,” he said to Freddie, before giving Jaquie a hug and walking away.

Freddie moved over to Peter’s vacated seat. “So, let’s start with the basics. We’ll need to know a few things about each other, of course. What’s your last name?”

“Manders. What are your thoughts on Locke’s theory of consciousness as it relates to personhood?” Jaquie asked, mostly to see what would happen. 

“I think he makes a lot of sense,” Freddie said, barely pausing to think about it. “But I don’t know if it’s full enough. Suppose I’ve done something very bad as a small child but my consciousness hasn’t changed since then. At what point am I no longer responsible for those actions? Or am I always in some way responsible? It’s unclear, isn’t it?”

_Holy shit._ Jaquie hadn’t been expecting a real answer. If anything, she’d wanted to see if she could catch Freddie off-guard. It was a game she played sometimes when she first met people, but she hadn’t thought it would _go_ anywhere. “Honestly, I haven’t read enough Locke to know if he answers that,” she admitted.

“Me neither,” Freddie said, nodding. “I’ve read most of _An Essay Concerning Human Understanding,_ but nothing else by him. So for all I know I’m completely misconstruing him.”

There was an awkward pause. Jaquie filled the silence with, “Well, now I’ll know what to say to Ben if your opinions on Lockian philosophy come up.”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past him to ask something like that,” Freddie said. “We should probably cover more realistic concerns, though. Are there any foods you don’t eat? That’s a big one that could mess us up.”

“I hate seafood,” Jaquie said instantly. “Other than that, I’m not picky. You?”

“I have never eaten a pickle and refuse to try one under any circumstances.”

Jaquie laughed.

The conversation went on, with the two of them describing things they loved and things they hated and every so often things they had no opinions on whatsoever. A whole hour passed, and Jaquie still didn’t feel like she knew everything she needed to about Freddie. There was so much more, all the minute details that made up a person, and she needed all of them. Jaquie decided then and there that she was going to be the best goddamn fake girlfriend that the world had ever seen. She would _earn_ that twenty dollars.

“We should have a practice date,” she said. “To get our stories straight, and so we don’t do anything stupid in front of Ben because we haven’t worked this through enough.”

She expected resistance, but Freddie just nodded. “Might want to practice kissing as well,” Fred added. “For authenticity.”

Jaquie nodded, mouth suddenly dry.

“It’s rather late tonight,” Freddie said, reaching into her purse to pull out a day planner. “Is there a night this week that you’re available for dinner? It has to be soon so that I can introduce you to Ben before he gets suspicious.”

“I have tomorrow night off,” Jaquie said. Fuck, did that sound too eager? Freddie _had_ said it should be soon.

“That should work,” Freddie said, pen poised to write. “Seven o’clock?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” Jaquie smiled as Freddie wrote this down.

“So, is there anything else we need to discuss before then?” Freddie asked briskly.

Jaquie realized that she was still staring at Freddie’s hands and quickly looked away. “What about making a list of everything that’s off-limits?” she suggested. “It would suck if one of us did something that made the other uncomfortable and we couldn’t say anything because it would give us away.”

“That’s a really good idea,” Freddie said. “I’m not sure I have any, though. Except that we shouldn’t go past kissing, since it’s purely for show. What about you, is anything off-limits?”

“I don’t like people touching my hair,” Jaquie said.

Freddie nodded. “All right. I’ll keep my hands on your waist or your shoulders in the event of any make-out sessions.”

Jaquie wondered how hypothetical this was. She decided not to ask.

“I should get going,” Freddie said, getting off of her stool. “I want to be well-rested if I’m going up against Ben tomorrow. I’ll win no matter what, of course, but I’d prefer to win after a good night’s sleep.”

“Kick his ass,” Jaquie said. 

Freddie laughed and gave her a hug. It was so unexpected that Jaquie almost fell off the stool, and had to hug back tightly just to keep her balance. “Don’t worry,” Freddie said when she let go. “Ben won’t even know what hit him.”

The next day, Jaquie was easily distracted and kept forgetting what she was doing to think about the not-date. That night for dinner they ended up at an Italian restaurant that Freddie suggested. “Peter says it’s a really good date spot, and since that’s what we’re going for I thought it would work well.”

“I like Italian,” Jaquie said, smiling. She knew that Freddie had probably only asked for Peter’s advice because she needed to be in control of everything, but she couldn’t remember the last time one of her dates had planned ahead this way. It was so— _thoughtful,_ and while that had never been a personality trait that Jaquie had considered important, she found that she liked it. 

They went inside and waited to be seated. It was a bit more formal than Jaquie had been expecting. She looked down at her outfit, wondering if she was too casual. Freddie was wearing clingy green dress that hit her just above her knees. Maybe she should have dressed up too.”

“You look fine,” Freddie whispered, and Jaquie realized she’d seen her looking. “Actually, you look really nice, I don’t know if I’ve said that yet.”

“You haven’t.” 

Freddie smiled. “Well, you do.”

They were seated off to the side of the room and made small talk for a little while before the conversation turned to their plan.

“So, how did we meet?” Jaquie asked.

Freddie took a moment to answer. “Let’s keep it simple,” she said after taking a sip of water. “The best lies are the ones that are mostly true, yeah? Let’s just say that Peter introduced us a few weeks ago and we hit it off really well so you asked me out and I said yes.”

“Does that work with what you’ve already said to Ben?” Jaquie asked, because come on, there was no way Freddie hadn’t already told Ben whatever she wanted him to know.

“Well, I had to say it was recent, since I agreed to the No Shenanigans rule when he first brought it up,” Freddie said, with a semi-apologetic shrug. “Basically I told him that Peter introduced us and last night was our first real date but I want to see where it goes so I can’t have any rules forbidding it. _And_ I pointed out that the no shenanigans rule would be awfully hard on him and Bea if she ever came to visit.”

“Okay,” Jaquie said. “That should be easy to keep track of.”

“Exactly,” Freddie said, looking pleased with herself. “And it makes us look like a relatively new couple, which will help cover our tracks if we don’t act quite right around each other.”

The waiter arrived with their wine. Jaquie poured two glasses and passed one over to Freddie. “Want to do a toast?”

“Sure,” Freddie replied. She raised her glass. “To fooling Ben.”

As they clinked glasses, their eyes met. Jaquie could feel her heart start to speed up. She looked away.

“So, are you like gay or bi?” she asked. “I should probably know that. You know, to fool Ben.”

“Pansexual, actually,” Freddie said. “What about you?”

“I’m bi. More into girls than guys, but not always.” Jaquie took a large gulp of wine. Why was she so nervous? It wasn’t like she never talked about her sexuality. That was how she and Peter had become friends, actually. He’d seen her bi pride shirt and gotten so excited that he stayed three hours past the end of his shift to talk about his experiences coming out. 

Freddie nodded. “I’m bi when it’s my parents who are asking,” she said. “They still haven’t been able to grasp some of the finer details of human sexuality.”

Was it possible for someone to sound so much like an informational pamphlet and still be hot? Jaquie wouldn’t have believed it if it hadn’t been for the girl sitting across from her.

“What do people usually do on first dates?” Freddie asked abruptly. “I haven’t been on very many, and we probably ought to be treating this as much like a first date as possible.” She took a sip of wine.

Jaquie thought back through her recent dating history. There’d been the girl who seemed bored the whole time, and the guy who hadn’t been able to stop talking about himself, and the one who had laughed obnoxiously after everything Jaquie said. None of them were people she wanted to emulate in her love life. “It probably depends on the date.”

“That’s not very helpful,” Freddie said, shifting uncomfortably.

Jaquie hesitated, then reached across the table and took her hand. “Maybe instead of worrying about how other people do first dates, we should figure out what we’d be doing if this was _our_ first date. What would you want that to be like?”

“I don’t know!” Freddie said. “Ugh, things like this make me so uncomfortable.”

“Like the camera?” Jaquie asked.

“How do you know about—oh. You’ve seen Ben’s channel.”

Jaquie shrugged. “A few of the videos. Your flat has the worst dynamic I’ve ever seen, and Ben doesn’t realize it at all. It’s pretty hilarious.”

Freddie opened her mouth, then closed it and looked down at their hands. She carefully moved hers so that their fingers were intertwined. “Is this right?”

“Yeah. It is.” Jaquie smiled.

After that the conversation became easier. By the time their food arrived, Jaquie was in fits of laughter over a story Freddie was telling about her New Zealand politics professor. 

“What about you?” Freddie asked, twirling her spaghetti around her fork. “Are you in uni right now?”

“I’m taking this year off before I start,” Jaquie said. “I thought I should get the hang of living on my own before I added university.”

Freddie nodded. “That’s a good way to do things, actually. I enjoy school too much to think seriously about taking time off, but I think for a lot of people your way’s better. What sort of things are you doing with your time off? I know you work at Peter’s bar, of course, but is there anything else?”

Jaquie launched into an explanation of the play she’d just auditioned for. Freddie was the perfect audience, laughing at all of her Costa stories and saying she hoped Jaquie and Peter got good roles. Jaquie found herself having more fun than she’d ever had before on a first date.

Freddie seemed to be having the same thought. “You know, this has been really nice,” she said when she paid the bill. Jaquie had offered to split it, but Freddie had said that since Jaquie was doing her such a big favor she’d pay. “I’m not usually this comfortable with people I’m in romantic situations with. Come to think of it, it’s probably _because_ we’re not really interested in each other that it feels like this.”

For some reason, Jaquie felt as though something hard had wormed its way into her chest. “Yeah,” she managed to say. “That’s probably what it is.”

They took the train back together. When they got off, Jaquie offered to walk Freddie home. “My place isn’t far from yours anyway.”

“Okay,” Freddie said. She took her hand. They didn’t talk much on the way back. Jaquie didn’t know what Freddie’s reason for this was, but for her it was because of the weird pang she felt as every step took her closer to the end of the evening. For some reason, she didn’t want this to end.

On the front porch, Freddie turned to look at her. “You know that thing you said earlier?” she said quietly. “About how I should act how I would on a real first date?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Jaquie asked.

“Well, if I was really on a date with you, I’d want you to kiss me good night.”

“Oh,” Jaquie said softly.

Freddie moved even closer. “Is that okay?”

Jaquie didn’t answer, just leaned in. Freddie moved forward at the same time, and they almost both fell over. 

Freddie laughed, then reached up to put her hands on Jaquie’s face and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. It only lasted for a moment, but Jaquie felt oddly out of breath when it ended.

“That doesn’t count as one of the two,” Freddie said. “Since Ben wasn’t here to see it.”

“That’s okay,” Jaquie said. She wouldn’t mind kissing Freddie a few more times before this whole thing was over.

*

“I’m here, sorry I’m late!” Peter said. He looked around, then sat down on the stool that was sitting between the two couches. “Hey, Jaquie.”

“Hey,” Jaquie said, turning to see him. She was sitting on the couch opposite the door, curled up with Freddie and trying to act natural. 

“So, should we get started?” Freddie asked. “Now that everyone’s here.”

“Okay, but I still think it betrays the sanctity of flat challenges to have an outsider here for the very first one we do,” Ben said. 

Freddie slipped an arm around Jaquie’s waist in what was probably the most posed-looking gesture the world had ever seen. “Jaquie’s not an outsider, she’s my girlfriend. _And_ Peter’s friend and cast member.”

Ben looked put out. “You know, Freddie _Lauren_ Kingston, I’d never have pegged _you_ for the sort of person who would get all mushy over someone you’ve just started dating and choose her over your friends like this.”

“I’m not _choosing_ her over you, I just wanted her to be a part of the flat challenge!”

“It’s not in the flat rules that we can’t have guests for the challenges, is it?” Balthazar asked from his place on the other couch. “I don’t see a problem with Jaquie being here.”

“Fine,” Ben said, with a prolonged sigh. “All right, so the camera’s set up and everyone’s here. I suppose we should let our _guest_ do the honor of selecting a challenge from the hat.”

“Is that just a box with the word ‘hat’ written on it?” Jaquie asked. She shifted so that she was leaning against Freddie in a more comfortable way. From the look Peter gave her, it still wasn’t right.

Ben glared. “You know, if you’re going to insult the way I choose to do things, I don’t have to let you participate.”

“Okay, no more comments on the hat,” Jaquie promised. She moved away from Freddie to reach into the box and pull out a slip of paper. “The Newlywed Challenge,” she read aloud. She looked at Peter, who shrugged.

Ben’s face lit up. He clapped his hands. “Perfect! Jaquie, I’m so glad you’re here, this means I can be the host! Or Benji can, anyway. You and Freddie have to be teammates of course, so that means that Peter and Balthy can be the other team! Oh, this is going to be so fun!”

“At the risk of sounding stupid, what the hell is the Newlywed Challenge?” Freddie asked. Nobody answered.

Ben looked appalled. “Have none of you heard of the Newlywed Game?”

“Well, I guess we know who put _that_ in the box,” Peter said, rolling his eyes. “Come on, Ben, tell us what it is.”

“Well, everyone is divided into teams of two, with one person as an announcer. That’s _me,_ of course. The announcer asks questions and one person on each team has to write down their answer. The other person guesses what their teammate wrote down, and if they’re right they get a point. If they’re wrong they get to experience _immense_ amounts of shame. It’s usually done with couples, but I suppose you and Peter will have to do.” Ben looked pointedly into the camera and made a bird symbol with his fingers.

Jaquie had to force back a laugh at the look on Peter’s face. He had no idea how bad he was at hiding his emotions, especially when he turned to look at Balthazar. 

“I’ll be right back!” Ben said. “I have to change into my announcer clothes.” He dashed into his room.

Peter looked around the room. “We could always stage a revolution and demand another challenge.”

“Why would we, though?” Freddie asked. “I think this one sounds fun.”

“Really?” Peter asked, a challenge in his eyes. “Because I’d have thought you two of all people would be worried about a game where we have to know a lot about each other.”

Jaquie knew she had to do some damage control right here and now, or Peter would reveal their secret in front of the camera just to get out of a stupid challenge. She kissed Freddie’s cheek, then leaned her head on her shoulder. _Kiss one complete,_ she thought. “I’m with Freddie, I think it’ll be fun. Not fair that we’re up against you and Balthazar though, you’ve known each other for ever and Freddie and I only got together a few weeks ago.”

Peter opened his mouth to argue, then closed it and shrugged. “Fine. We’ll do the stupid challenge.”

“I think it sounds all right,” Balthazar said. “I mean, what if we put it back and drew something that we wanted to do even less? Knowing Ben there are at least three bird related challenges in that box.”

Ben dashed back into the room. Jaquie raised her eyebrows, impressed at how quickly he’d changed. That was a highly coveted talent in the world of theater.

“Peter, get off stool,” he ordered. “That’s the host seat. You have to get on the couch next to Balthy. Just a second, I’ll adjust the camera so we’re all in shot.”

Once Peter had moved and Ben had set everything up, he began. “Hello, and welcome to the first ever flat challenge!” he said, in a thick Irish accent. “Today we are accompanied by a very _special_ guest, Jaquie Manders, who is the girlfriend of one Freddie Kingston. Jaquie, give us a wave.”

Jaquie lifted her hand for a fraction of a second, then leaned even further into Freddie.

“Today we will be doing the Newlywed Challenge, a game in which these two couples must test their mental might and knowledge of each other.”

“Not a couple,” Peter said loudly, gesturing between himself and Balthazar.

“Fine, a challenge in which one couple will pit itself against the honorary couple that is Peter and Balthazar. What?” Ben asked when Peter made a face. “I just meant that you’re an honorary couple for the purpose of this game!”

“Can you please just get _on_ with it?” Freddie asked.

“Right. So, the rules are as follows…”

Jaquie tuned out Ben and his fake Irish accent too look at Freddie. Her hair was up in a messy bun, and she’d reverted back to overalls and a large sweater. She looked—well, absolutely adorable, quite frankly. If they were really girlfriends Jaquie would have to spend all of her time making fun of Freddie’s sweaters to cover up for how much she liked them.

Ben finally finished explaining how the game worked. “Freddie, Jaquie, we all know the two of you are _madly_ in love, but to play this game you _will_ have to stop cuddling and sit in a position that allows you to hide what you’re writing from the other player.”

“Oh, shut up, Ben,” Freddie said, but she moved a respectable distance away and accepted the pen and paper that Ben was handing out. Jaquie took hers as well, trying not to show how disappointed she was at the loss of contact.

“Is everybody ready?” Ben asked. They nodded. “Okay, Balthazar and Freddie, you’re up first. Write down your favorite musical artist or group. When you’re finished—”

“We have to guess what they said, we know, you’ve already explained it twice,” Peter said. 

“Very well then. Freddie, Balthazar, you may begin. Jaquie and Peter should probably close their eyes—ooh, I know, we could get blindfolds!”

“Please, let’s not,” Peter said. “See? My eyes are closed.”

Jaquie quickly closed hers as well. Shit. What the hell _was_ Freddie’s favorite band? Or musician or whatever the hell it was that Ben had asked. This was something they _hadn’t_ discussed on their date. What would Freddie like? Probably something calm. Classical music? She seemed like the classical music type. But there were still so many options. She should probably pick a woman. _Were_ there any female classical musicians? Jaquie remembered Costa talking to her about a film composer who wrote classical music. Chanda Dancy? Was that it?

“All right, is everyone finished?” Ben asked. “Peter, Jaquie, you can open your eyes. Peter, you go first.”

Peter opened his eyes and laughed. “I mean, I feel bad about getting one this so easy, but it’s definitely Mumford and Sons.”

“Balthazar Jones, please hold up your paper.”

Balthazar turned over his paper, which sure enough had Mumford and Sons on it. Peter put out his hand for a fist bump.

“ _Very_ good,” Ben said, looking like a proud mother hen. “All right, our next contestant is the _lovely_ Jaquie Manders. Jaquie, tell us who Freddie’s favorite musician is.”

“Chanda Dancy?” Jaquie asked, trying to instill her voice with a sense of confidence. It didn’t work particularly well.

Freddie shook her head and held up her piece of paper. **Childish Gambino** was written on it in neat block letters.

Jaquie raised her eyebrows. “You’re full of surprises.”

“You really haven’t talked about it?” Balthazar asked. “Haven’t you been dating for a few weeks?”

Peter jumped in quickly. “Come on, bro, just because you bring up music the minute you meet someone new doesn’t mean everyone does.”

Ben made a sort of clucking sound with his tongue. “I’ll admit, that _was_ a difficult one. For Freddie and Jaquie, not for Peter of course. All right, it’s time to switch. Freddie and Balthazar, close your eyes.”

The next question was favorite place to be kissed besides the mouth. “And before anyone says anything, we’re talking above the waist only. And over the clothes. I got these questions off the internet, okay? I didn’t realize any of them might be—well anyway, you get the idea. Nose, cheek, neck would all be acceptable answers. Keep it clean. For the viewers”

“How the hell is Balthazar supposed to know where I like to be kissed?” Peter demanded, glaring at Ben. “It’s not like he’s sitting around taking notes every time I kiss people.”

“Well, that’s not my problem, now is it?” Ben asked cheerfully. “Besides, don’t blame the questions on me. I didn’t make them up.”

Jaquie thought for a moment, then wrote down “forehead” because she’d always wanted to date someone who would do that sort of comforting gesture. This time, Freddie got to guess first.

“I’m thinking—neck?” Freddie asked. “Like where your neck meets your shoulder, right?” 

She was so cute and nervous that Jaquie wishes she could say yes. Reluctantly, she held up the paper.

“Oh, things are not looking well for our happy couple!” Ben said, making an expression with his face that was definitely designed fully for the entertainment of his viewers, since everyone else looked at him with various levels of annoyance. “Not knowing the right place to kiss bodes ill not only for the game, but for the relationship itself.”

“Shut up,” Freddie said, face heating up. “The only reason I don’t know that is that we’ve been too busy kissing on the mouth to worry about other places. Isn’t that right, Jaquie?”

“Yeah, it’s true,” Jaquie said. “Besides, I only like forehead kisses when I’m feeling sad, and I’m always happy when I’m with Freddie.” Probably too cheesy, but if anything Ben seemed like he would expect that of her. 

“All right, then,” Ben said. “Balthazar Jones, what is one Peter Donaldson’s favorite place to be kissed?”

Balthazar gave a little half smile. “I’m thinking it’s got to be the cheek, yeah? Like, people kiss you in other places when they’re into you sexually, but if someone kisses you hello or goodbye on the cheek it means they really care about you.”

Peter laughed held up his paper. “I don’t know how you guessed that, but you’re right.”

“ _Very_ interesting,” Ben said, with a significant look at the camera. “Peter and Balthazar, aka Team Pedrazar, are ahead by two points. Will Team Fraquie be able to catch up, or do these two fine men know each other even better than a real couple do?”

“Will you stop?” Peter demanded, just as Jaquie said “Fraquie’s a terrible name.”

“Well, what do you recommend we call you?” Ben asked, ignoring Peter’s request altogether.

Jaquie looked at Freddie. “What do you think?”

Freddie scrunched up her face the way she did when she was thinking hard. “Manderking?” she suggested after a moment. “I mean, it’s not first names but it’s better than Fraquie.”

“Definitely,” Jaquie agreed. She had to draw the line somewhere.

“All right, then,” Ben said. “Team Manderking, behind by two points but still working together in other area. The next question is, what is your favorite alcoholic beverage?”

Jaquie dutifully closed her eyes as Freddie wrote down her answer. This one, she knew. It was red wine, they’d talked about it when they’d gone out for dinner. 

“All right,” Ben said when he opened his eyes. “Jaquie, you first.”

Jaquie gave her answer.

Freddie swore under her breath, then held up the paper on which she’d written **  
Cabernet sauvignon**.

“Once again, Freddie and Jaquie fail to get the point,” Ben said.

“Hang on!” Jaquie said. “That’s not fair, cabernet’s a kind of red wine. That should count.” They had to get at least _some_ points or they’d draw suspicion. She couldn’t afford to lose points on things she knew the answer to.

“That’s a fair point,” Balthazar said. “How specific are these supposed to be? If she’s guessed in the general area can she still get a point?”

Ben considered this, then shook his head. “If it’s not on the paper, it doesn’t count. Sorry, but rules _are_ rules. Better be more general in your answer next time, Freddie. Peter, you’re up.”

Peter looked at Balthazar contemplatively for a moment, then said, “Tequila. And the whole lime and salt thing if that’s on there and Ben demands an unfairly specific level of detail.”

Balthazar laughed, and held up a piece of paper that confirmed this.

The game went on in this fashion, Jaquie and Freddie missing all of the questions while Peter and Balthazar got all of theirs right. Peter seemed to relax a bit, although he never missed the opportunity to remind them that he and Balthazar _weren’t dating_ and therefore the romantic questions that they somehow managed to keep getting right _had nothing to do with them._

“All right,” Ben said after about forty minutes. “We’re down to the last two questions. Are you ready? This challenge has gone on for longer than I expected. I’m going to have to cut this down when I edit it.” He looked thrilled at the prospect.

“We’re ready,” Balthazar said.

“These last two rounds are the crucial point in the game in which the winner is declared,” Ben said. “Not really, of course, since there is really no chance of a recovery for Team Manderking, but we can at least see how much they will lose by. Can they redeem themselves in these final moments, or will they let the score slip through their fingers?”

“Shut up, Ben,” Freddie said, burying her face in her hands. She’d been growing increasingly tense as they continued to lose, and Jaquie knew that it wasn’t just the prospect of defeat that was upsetting her.

Jaquie rested her head on Freddie’s shoulder for a moment, trying to comfort her. “It’s okay. We’re only losing because Peter and Balth are like, connected telepathically or something. Besides, this isn’t really a fair game, they’ve known each other for _years._ ” 

Freddie relaxed slightly. “You’re right. Ben, I’m declaring a rematch. In a year’s time we’re going to play this again, same teams, and we’ll destroy them. Isn’t that right Jaquie?”

“Definitely,” Jaquie said. She wondered if they’d still know each other in a year. She hoped they would, and that they’d be good enough friends to follow through on this plan even though they weren’t dating. But Jaquie knew better than to hold her breath about this.

Ben sighed. “Fine, I’ll pencil it in. Now will you two _kindly_ move away from each other so that we can get on with the game.”

Jaquie made a point of sighing even louder than Ben as she moved away. 

“All right. It’s the second to last questions, the _penultimate_ question if you will.”

“Are you just saying synonyms now?” Peter asked. “You know, if that’s how you’re going to do it you should let someone else read the questions. Hosting a challenge takes more than just a fancy accent.”

Ben glared, but it was clear he didn’t mean it. “ _As_ I was saying, it’s the penultimate question and we’re about to see how our dear flatmates and Jaquie respond. Freddie, you and Balthazar are writing for this one. And the question is… what is your favorite place to go on a date?”

Jaquie closed her eyes and thought frantically, although she didn’t feel she had much hope of getting it right at this point. When Ben told her it was time to start, she opened her eyes and listened as Peter said, “A walk by the waterfront and coffee at Boyet’s.”

“Does it matter if they’re written in the opposite order?” Balthazar asked. Freddie groaned.

“Just give them the point,” she said.

Ben smiled. “All right, I think I will. Jaquie, you’re up. What is Freddie’s favorite place for a date?”

Jaquie’s heart sped up for no discernable reason. “We haven’t had that many dates yet,” she said. “But I think what she’d want most would be to be here, or at my flat, just us, and we’d watch TV or order food. Something laid back like that.” Okay, so maybe she’d just described her own perfect date, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t an acceptable answer.

Freddie held up her paper so quickly she almost ended up dropping it. It read **A quiet night at home.**

“Astounding!” Ben said. “After quite the rough game, Team Manderking has managed to pick up a point! While they still have no chance at beating Team Pedrazar, they’ve at least managed to prove that they know how to enjoy each other’s company, and after all, isn’t that what’s _really_ important?”

Freddie threw her arms around Jaquie and hugged her tightly. “I knew we could do it,” she said. Jaquie couldn’t tell if she was talking about the game or fooling Ben.

“All right, there’s still one more question to go, folks,” Ben said. “This one should hopefully be a sweet, easy one for our couples here, a good one to end on.” 

Peter didn’t even bother to point out that he and Balthazar weren’t dating, but he did roll his eyes at Jaquie. “What’s the question?”

“All right, Peter and Jaquie are writing on this one. An the question is… what is the last text that you sent your partner?”

“Partner in the game, yeah?” Peter asked, as though this really needed clarifying. 

“Obviously.”

Shit. _Shit._ The last text that Jaquie had sent had said something along the lines of _can’t wait to see you today we’re going to fool the shit out of ben (does Peter have my money? also I can’t believe peter is paying me to be your pretend girlfriend lmao what a champ)._ There was no way she could write this down. She looked over at Freddie who seemed to be having the same realization. They’d just have to make things up, then, and seem like a couple who was so out of touch with each other that they couldn’t even remember what they’d last talked about.

_At least it will make our breakup seem realistic,_ Jaquie thought. But she didn’t want to write something inane and meaningless. That wasn’t what a relationship should be like, even a fake one. So she took a moment and wrote the text that she would have sent, if she and Freddie had really been a couple.

_I’m so excited to see you later!!! omfg that sound so cheesy and lame I know and we haven’t been dating that long but I really like you xoxo (hope this isn’t too weird (we’re probably on the same page thought right)) anyway talk to you really soon! todays going to be so fun pinky promise._

It wasn’t Marlow, but it would do, and at least it sounded like something she would really say. Jaquie turned the paper face down and waited. Peter, too, had taken a long time to write. 

“All right, is everybody ready?” Ben said. He turned back to the camera. “Right-o, so now it’s my favorite part of the evening. In this final round, we will find out who among these couples remembers their text messages, and who probably never even checks their phone to see if they even _have_ texts.”

“Was that a pointed comment at me?” Peter asked.

“You still haven’t replied to the message I sent you last week!”

“We live in the same flat, you can just talk to me!”

“Can we please get on with things?” Freddie asked. She looked as tense as Jaquie felt, fidgeting nervously and holding herself stiffly upright.

“We certainly can. So tell me, Balthazar, what was the last text that Peter sent you?”

Balthazar looked at his hands. “I think it was something along the lines of ‘let’s take a breather and talk about this more when we’ve had some time to think.’”

Peter held up his sheet of paper. It was, word for word, what Balthazar has just said.

“And _another_ point goes to team Pedrazar, giving them the highest possible score! Team Manderking, it’s time to take your turn.” Ben turned to Freddie and waited, but she was staring out the window and didn’t seem to notice him. “Freddie?” 

She jumped and turned back towards him, looking much calmer than she had a moment ago, although the situation hadn’t changed a bit. “Right, sorry. The last text between me and Jaquie said ‘I still can’t believe I’m lucky enough to be dating you.’”

Jaquie frowned, and held up her paper and waited for the inevitable fallout.

Instead, Freddie laughed and slapped her forehead with her hand. “Shit, it was supposed to be the last text _you_ sent _me,_ wasn’t it?” She turned to Ben. “I wasn’t listening very well, I just told you the last text I sent her.”

“Sickening, aren’t they?” Peter asked Balthazar, who nodded fake seriously.

Jaquie ignored them. Her heart was doing something weird. _If we were really dating, that’s the last text I would have gotten from her,_ she thought. For a moment she had the bizarre urge to check her phone and see if it was true. _She just said it for Ben’s sake,_ she reminded herself.

It took her a moment to realize that she was still holding up he sheet of paper, and that Freddie was reading it. An odd look crossed her face, then she leaned forward and kissed Jaquie full on the mouth. Jaquie threw her arms around Freddie’s neck for balance, and they both fell backward so that Jaquie’s back was pressed up against the arm of the couch. The kiss was sloppy, which she wouldn’t have expected but didn’t mind _at all_. When Freddie pulled away, Jaquie took the opportunity to lean up and kiss her where her shoulder met her neck.

“You guys, the camera’s still going,” Balthazar said. “And knowing Ben this part is definitely going online.”

Ben’s voice was filled with mock-outrage. “I’m only giving the viewers what they want!” He seemed to have forgotten about the Irish accent.

Freddie pulled away and moved back to her own place on the couch. “Right, sorry.”

_Kiss two complete,_ Jaquie thought numbly. Her lips were tingling. Then it hit her like a brick: one flat event and two kisses. Acting opportunity complete, twenty dollars earned.

The feeling that this filled her with didn’t come close to resembling joy.

“Well, Bennaddicts, I think that’s the perfect note to end today’s video on!” Ben said. “I hope you enjoyed today’s flat challenge, and seeing Freddie Kingston and Jaquie Manders engage in all manner of shenanigans. I think we’re all glad after today that there’s no _rule_ preventing this sort of behavior.”

“Come on, Jaquie,” Freddie said, taking her hand and pulling her to her feet. “I’ll walk you home.”

*

Jaquie marched up to the bar and tapped Peter on the shoulder over it. He whirled around. “When do you get off?” she demanded. “I need to talk to you.”

“Not until two, but I can take my break now if you need me to,” Peter said, looking a little alarmed. “Is this about the money I owe you? Because I have it in my wallet right now. I’d have given it to you when you came over for the challenge but you and Freddie left so quickly when it was over.” 

“Two kisses and a flat event,” Jaquie said, but somehow, it wasn’t as funny out loud as it had been in her head. She was breathing hard. “Can you? Take your break, I mean?”

Peter nodded and asked one of the other bartenders to take over. He came over to her side of the bar and dug into his wallet for the cash, which he handed to her. “What’s going on?”

“It’s this whole fake dating thing,” Jaquie said, burying her face in her hands. She was _not_ going to cry. “Freddie wants to get lunch tomorrow to talk about it.”

“Are you planning how it’s going to end?”

“She didn’t say that, but I think so.” Jaquie said. She took her hands away from her face and forced herself not to show what she was feeling. _Come on, hold it together,_ she told herself firmly. “We’re supposed to pretend to break up soon so we can go back to our lives, but I don’t think that’s what I want.”

Peter put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. “Have you two talked about this?” he asked.

“Of course not.” 

“Well, you should do it.” Peter seemed to hesitate, then said, “Freddie and I aren’t that close, and we don’t get along very much, but she thanked me for introducing her to you. And she’s calmer than she’s been in months.”

“You think her being calmer means she wants to date me for real?” Jaquie asked. _Not fucking likely._

Peter shrugged. “Maybe. Anyway, what do you have to lose?”

This was getting too personal. “What about you and Balthazar?” she asked. “What was the thing you two needed to talk about once you had space?”

“None of your business,” Peter answered, stiffening.

“Come on, Peter.” Jaquie put on the face that always got Peter to open up, the one that said _I’m here for you and you can confide in me but also I’ll kick your ass if you don’t._

“We’re thinking of maybe—trying to date,” he admitted. “We’re still not sure if we’re going to, or if it’s going to work so we’re keeping things on the down low right now. If Ben finds out it’ll be all over his channel and we don’t need that kind of pressure on things right now. So you can’t tell anyone, all right? I don’t want Freddie to mention it to Ben the next time she’s trying to get the upper-hand in flat stuff.”

“I won’t tell,” Jaquie said. She gave Peter a hug and smiled at him. “I’m happy for you,” she said.

“I’m happy too,” Peter admitted. “Now go make Freddie fall madly in love with you. She’s been so much easier to live with since you started pretending to date.”

Jaquie went home and planned out what she was going to say. The next day, she showed up to lunch twenty minutes early. Freddie was already at the cafe when she got there. She wondered how early she’d have had to be, to beat Freddie there. She couldn’t picture it.

“Hey,” she said, dropping her purse on the floor and sitting down. “Have you already ordered?”

“Yeah, they kept giving me dirty looks when I was just sitting here without any food. So I have some vegan waffles on the way,” Freddie said. “Balthazar got me hooked on them earlier this year.” She passed over a menu.

Jaquie flipped through it, but her heart wasn’t in it. All she could think about was how much she didn’t want this to be the last time she went out with Freddie. When the waiter arrived, she ordered on autopilot, asking for a Caprese sandwich.

“So, we should talk,” Freddie said when the waiter left. She folded her hands in a businesslike manner. “As I’m sure you’re aware, you’ve fulfilled all of the terms of our arrangement, which means that if you like things can come to an end now.”

“And what if I don’t?” Jaquie said.

Freddie nodded, looking pleased. “I was planning to ask you about that. If you’re not opposed, I think we should continue this for a bit longer. We’ve managed to fool Ben, but if we break up too soon there’s nothing to stop him from suggesting the rule all over again. After what we saw of Peter and Balthazar the other night, I think we can agree that this would go badly for every member of the flat. If we can prolong this just until those two get together, we can keep the rule from being instituted. Once they’re dating, us breaking up won’t have any effect on the flat whatsoever.”

“What if we didn’t? Break up, I mean?” Jaquie wasn’t sure how she’d gotten up the courage to ask this, but now the words were out of her mouth and whatever happened would happen.

“You mean just keep fake dating indefinitely?” Freddie asked. Was she being intentionally obtuse, or did she genuinely not understand what was being asked? It didn’t matter. Jaquie was in too deep now. She had to finish what she was saying.

“Actually, I was thinking real dating.” She managed to keep her tone nonchalant, but her heart was beating so loudly she was sure Freddie could hear it. “If you wanted to.” 

Freddie looked at her for a long moment before her face broke out into a smile. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep this up for. Pretending I’m not as attracted to you as I am, I mean. I was prepared to do it if I had to, but this is much better.”

“So, real dating?” Jaquie asked, just to make sure they were on the same page.

Instead of answering, Freddie got up out of her chair and _kissed Jaquie on the forehead._ Jaquie fell into peals of laughter. “What?” Freddie demanded. “You said that was your favorite non-mouth place to be kissed!”

“It is,” Jaquie said, still laughing. “I just can’t believe you got up and kissed me on the forehead in the middle of a restaurant.”

Freddie laughed too as she sat back down. “Well, you’d better get used to it, because we’re real dating now, and real dating Freddie Kingston involves _lots_ of forehead kisses.”

“I think I can handle that,” Jaquie said, then reached over and stole a bite of Freddie’s waffle before anyone could see just how big her smile was.


End file.
